Boundary problems and early intervention

In my clinical work and with some people I have met socially I have seen how that only incarceration could provide the boundaries necessary for purposeful behavior. I know one man who is now in his late thirties who has functioned very well during numerous imprisonments, at times proving himself to have real artistic skills. But whenever he has been released, he always goes back to drugs, alcohol, and criminal mischief. I had a young male client one time who was court-ordered to a military-style youth ranch due to persistent incorrigible behavior. I will never forget how proud he was upon his return that he had excelled in that highly-structured environment and had won numerous awards. And I saw many clients benefit immensely from the structured therapeutic environment of residential treatment. These young men and women had not internalized a boundary structure so that they could function in the world and had to have it imposed from the outside. And some were so damaged that they will never function without some “external ego” such as a parole officer or a life-sentence.

I often got the feeling with some of these young clients that with their behavior they were basically screaming for someone to set the boundaries their parents had not been able to provide. It is as if they were echoing the comic smirk of Jim Carrey, “Somebody stop me!!!!!” Too many times in our self-indulgent modern world no one will stop them and they are enabled repeatedly, basically rewarded for behavior that can only create severe problems for them in their adult life.

Maladaptive behavior reflects emotional needs that have not been met. As long as the maladaptive behavior is permitted to continue, the “emotional needs” cannot be felt and change cannot be effected. The behavior must be stopped, then the anguish can be experienced, and then new behavior patterns can be taught. But when the intervention is not applied early enough, the behavior patterns become too deep-seated, they become “hard-wired” neurologically, and change is very difficult if not impossible.

Redemption in Marriage

Boundaries are so important. I think that the concept of boundaries is relevant to every problem that mankind deals with, even on the biological level. Even cancer is a boundary problem as those bastard cells are running amok and will devour everything in sight. And certainly on an emotional/spiritual level, boundaries explain most if not all of our maladies.

One simple clinical intervention I used when in practice was to try to teach some simple little boundary for a client to set in his life. This could be something as simple as planting a flower and caring for it, this simple act of “caring” being one bit of order in a life that often had little structure.

And then I like to think of marriage as a boundary setting on a grand scale. I see marriage as an imposition of order on chaos, two disparate individuals with their own whims and fancies about life, choosing to commit to the “arbitrary circle of a vow.” (W. H. Auden) If this vow can be honored, marriage can be a container in which two individuals mature together and resolve many of the interior haunts they brought into the union. In short, marriage can be redemptive.

Let me close with an excerpt from a poem by Edgar Simmons entitled, “Bow Down to Stutterers”:

Proofrock has been maligned.
And Hamlet should have waived revenge,
Walked with Ophelia domestic corridors
Absorbing the tic, the bothersome twitch.

Hell on Earth

Shakespeare’s sonnets might be his finest work. He could put into just a few words volumes of knowledge of the human spirit. In the following sonnet he grasped the essence of hell, that waste land of desire of desire, hunger for hunger, that endless quest for the “lost object” (if I might speak Freudian!) I’m not for sure where this quote came from but someone described this person as “pursuing the object which recedes from the knowledge of it.” This person is portrayed in mythology as the ouroborous, the snake swallowing its own tail.

The expense of spirit in a waste of shame
Is lust in action; and till action, lust
Is perjured, murderous, bloody, full of blame,
Savage, extreme, rude, cruel, not to trust;
Enjoy’d no sooner but despised straight;
Past reason hunted; and no sooner had,
Past reason hated, as a swallowed bait,
On purpose laid to make the taker mad:
Mad in pursuit, and in possession so;
Had, having, and in quest to have, extreme;
A bliss in proof, and proved, a very woe;
Before, a joy proposed; behind, a dream.

All this the world well knows; yet none knows well

And I conclude with the quote from the Ibsen play which I used just days ago about the self-intoxicated self:

Its here that men are most themselves, themselves and nothing but themselves sailing with outspread sails of self. Each shuts himself in a cask of self, the cask stopped with the bung of self and seasoned in a well of self. None has a tear for others woes or cares what any other thinks….Now surely you’ll say that he’s himself. He’s full of himself and nothing else, himself in every word he says himself when he is beside himself…Long live the Emperor of Self.  (Ibsen, Peer Gynt)

And yet, we are so wont to pontificate about the horrors of hell in the hereafter when if we were honest enough, discerning enough, we would recognize that this hell abounds in our day to day life. Perhaps we should seek salvation from this hell.

Creation and the Fall

One of the most vivid memories of my childhood was the Apollo 8 mission to the moon on December 24, 1968,  I was gripped by the majesty of this technological accomplishment and the sheer beauty of the moon from such a close perspective and even more so of the beautiful earth floating so freely in the void.  This was a very humbling experience for me and I will never forget it.  A very important part of the event was the stirring reading by the three astronauts of Genesis 1:1-10.  I’ve always been captivated by those verses and have been even more so since that moment.

I love this creation story.  I find creation stories in all human culture fascinating and revealing.  We have always had this deep-seated need to explain our origin and thus make more sense out of what the hell we are doing here.  It is very hard to accept that perhaps this information is not available to us, that “flaming cherubim and seraphim” keep us from returning there and revisiting the Garden of Eden.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote a marvelous little book entitled Creation and the Fall in which he speculated about creation, the fall, and mankind’s quest to escape his existential predicament.  He argued that mankind is aware that he is caught in the “in the middle” and is anxious about the beginning and the end.  I’ve read others who have described this status as being caught in the “in between” or the “metaxy”.  Mankind is obsessed with getting back to that beginning and understanding and explaining it and therefore “owning” it in some manner.  But we are trapped, fated to wonder the earth knowing that “our little life is rounded in a sleep.” (Shakespeare)

T.S. Eliot offered a thought on this notion.  He said, “Man’s curiosity searches past and future and clings to that dimension. ” For “past and future” is but a single dimension, the time-space continuum from which we cannot escape try as we may.  I’m made to think of Jim Morrison’s song, “Break on through, break on through, break on through to the other side, break on through, break on through, break on through to the other side.”  Morrison’s heart hungered to “break on through” and that is what drove him to drugs and alcohol. He could not accept being trapped like the rest of us, he could not accept “the fall” into space and time.

Silence is Golden

Aeschylus once said, “The gods create tragedy so that men will have something to talk about.”  Well, I want to update his observation and append the following,  “And then cable tv news was created so that the chatter could go on endlessly.”  Actually, I’m hoping that in about ten thousand years, this wisdom will be,  “The gods originally created tragedy so that men would have something to talk about. And then sometime later they created cable tv news so that the chatter would be non-stop”  and that the wisdom will then be attributed to “Literarylew.”  You know, Aeschylus could be forgotten as will ultimately be the case with all of us, small fry or large fry!

Seriously, I’m so conscious of how much my mind is filled with chatter.  This is so very apparent since I started to seriously attempt to meditate and discovered the Buddhist “monkey mind” always chattering away; a blog-o-sphere friend recently posted re “the rush of a thousand voices”.

We are so afraid of silence even though it is only in silence that we find our Source.

We sit silently and watch the world around us. This has taken a lifetime to learn. It seems only the old are able to sit next to one another and not say anything and still feel content. The young, brash and impatient, must always break the silence. It is a waste, for silence is pure. Silence is holy. It draws people together because only those who are comfortable with each other can sit without speaking. This is the great paradox.
Nicholas Spark, The Notebook

The Fragility of Life

THIS WIND
By E. L. Mayo

This is the wind that blows
Everything
Through and through.

I would not toss a kitten
Knowingly into a wind like this
But there’s no taking

Anything living
Out of the fury
Of this wind we breathe and ride upon.

This poem eloquently and intensely conveys the fragility and preciousness of life. It makes me think of some of the Old Testament writers, especially the Psalmist, who knew so much of despair.

Paean to Ignorance

I really believe in ignorance!  I guess I watched too much of Hogan’s Heroes and remember the wisdom of Sergeant Schultz, “I know nothing, nothing, nothing.”  I remember a wonderful pastor from my youth who would quip, “If ignorance was bliss, we would all be blistered.”

Yes, I’m intelligent, well educated, erudite as heck!  I can throw 35 cent words around for nickle ideas like anyone.  But, to quote the observation of Paul, the “wisdom of this world is come to nought.”  We don’t know jack!  For, words are but means to an end, they lead us to the truth, they lead us to the precipice of Truth,  but we can never cross over and apprehend the truth in a definitive fashion.  The Truth only glimmers our way and then only on occasion.  For example, one such “glimmering” was the life of Jesus.  And in the course of my life I have seen a “glimmer” or two but admittedly nothing that matches the Light that Jesus brought into the world.  And the “glimmerings” that I have been privy too have never been cognitive;  they have been the Light of Christ manifested in the life of other persons, some of them not card-carrying, born-again, USDA certified “Christians.”

So, let’s get ignorant today and hear a primordial word.

For example, Gerard Manley Hopkins noted in The Habit of Perfection:

Elected Silence, sing to me
And beat upon my whorled ear,
Pipe to me pastures still and be
The music that I care to hear.

Shape nothing, lips; be lovely-dumb:
It is the shut, the curfew sent
From where all surrenders come
Which alone makes you eloquent.

And then there is William Butler Yeats who wrote:

Throughout all the lying days of my youth
I waved my leaves and flowers in the sun.
Now may I wither into the Truth.

Pithy, annoying truth

I want to share two short, pithy poems this morning.   Poets are so adept at stinging us with truth, sometimes very sharply and sometimes just annoyingly.  It was one of the ancient Greek luminaries, Socrates I think, who likened his role to that of a gadfly who would befuddle and annoy the populace.

Here are two such offerings from the past century:

QUERY
By E. L. Mayo

I died and three lemons
Arranged assymetrically
Took my place. Just why
Did you select that moment to comment on
The sweetness of my disposition?

 

A MAN SAID TO THE UNIVERSE
By Stephen Crane

A man said to the universe:
Sir, I exist!”
“However,” replied the universe,
“The fact has not created in me
A sense of obligation.”

Failure is More Important than Success

“Failure is more important than success because it brings intelligence to light the bony structure of the universe.” (E. L. Mayo)

I’ve always been captivated by this poem though I’m not for sure I understand it.  I just intuitively know that it conveys great wisdom and wisdom is always complicated, paradoxical, and convoluted.

Failure is necessary as it counters our obsession with “success.”  Oh, we need success and our species has been very “successful” in so many respects.  We have created so much stuff and have made our life so much easier, perhaps too easy in ways.  Auden noted, “We have made our lives safer than we can bear.”  But it is the failures that humble us and teach us that there is more to life than “stuff”.  These “failures” can show us a qualitative intelligence that allows us to see the graciousness of life and without this insight the “structure of the universe” is quite “bony.”

Churches and “group think”

The origins of my recent concern with spiritual incest lie in my youth when I was raised in a very cloistered denominational environment. I would like to elaborate as it would help shed light on my observations.

My first year out of high school I spent in a very conservative seminary.   This seminary taught formally and rigorously themes which I had already imbibed in my church upbringing.  For example, there was pronounced emphasis on the Pauline admonishment to, “Come ye out from among them and be ye separate.”  This meant to be morally upright so that the community would clearly know that you were different because of your faith, that your Christian testimony was unsullied by the temptations of the world.  But this same teaching was applied to ecclesiastical teachings as we were taught that our churches also should be “set apart” by our doctrinal purity and by our hard-line stance on moral issues of the day.  Furthermore, we were taught that this moral and doctrinal purity had set us apart throughout history, even back to the time of Christ, as we had been the only church which had been “stead fast in the faith” even as other churches routinely departed from the “faith once delivered unto the saints.” And another dimension of this teaching was that we were the only true church, the only church with historical continuity back to the original church that Jesus had started when he noted,  “Upon this rock I will build my church and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it.”

We did allow that there were people in other denominations who were saved…somewhat… provided that in some shape form or fashion they had “accepted the Lord Jesus as their Savior”;  but by virtue of not belonging to the “true church” they would not be part of the “bride of Christ” when they got to heaven.  This “bride of Christ” was an exalted status that would be given to the true church that had steadfastly held to the foundations of the faith throughout history.  However, there were many who were not saved and who would spend eternity in hell,  among them being Catholics, Jews, and Mormons and that is not even counting the hordes in other cultures who had not even heard of Christ.

Now, one example of the “historical scholarship” alluded to already needs to be further explained.  Great emphasis was placed on tracing church lineage back to the time of Christ as the only true church had to be able to prove historical continuity back to the time of Christ.  This was done by painstakingly researching church history and ascertaining which religious groups and movements adhered to cardinal teachings of the faith, one of which was “believer’s baptism”, meaning rejection of pedo-baptism (sprinkling of infants).

I could go on and on with an endless litany of beliefs and practices which set us apart as special people.  And, indeed it was often noted that the Bible taught that God would create a “peculiar” people (and, oh my Lord, were we ever “peculiar”!!!!), a people “set apart”, a “chosen people” who had the task of representing the Kingdom on earth.  Furthermore, we had the task of “standing in the gap” and acting as a deterrent from the onslaught of the evil forces that always beset this “wicked world.”

Now, so much of this dogma has a place if taken with moderation and with humility.  For example, I think that persons of faith will stand out and be conspicuous by simply representing quality and by seeking value in their life.  But they will not have to flaunt it!  And they certainly will not have to announce it with pride and arrogance!  They will not have to be ostentatious with it.  It will not have to be a response to an impoverished identity;  it will not have to be a fig leaf that hides them from their existential nakedness.

And this “incest” label is admittedly heavy-handed and is not exclusive to sectarian religion.  All religions, and indeed all groups, tend to be self-serving and tend to set their boundaries too rigid.  All groups tend to err towards “group-think” in which their primary purpose becomes the perpetuation of their own dogma and the exclusion of those who are threatening.  I recently quoted W. H. Auden on this note, where he described the individual who would deign to question conventional wisdom, diving into

…the snarl of the abyss
That always lies just underneath
Our jolly picnic on the heath
Of the agreeable, where we bask,
Agreed on what we will not ask,
Bland, sunny, and adjusted by
The light of the accepted lie.